Industrial relations at the ICO are currently
not at their best. I’ve been told that the Public and Commercial Services Union
have recently used FOI legislation to ask the ICO for details about the process
for executive pay awards at the ICO, and were advised that no information is
available. They have complained to the regulator – the ICO.
This got me thinking. And, in a moment
of madness, I jotted down the following skit, which is highly unlikely to
feature at the ICO’s summer party later this year:
[The phone rings - for a long time]
Call handler
Wot?
Caller
Hello, is that the FOI helpdesk?
Call handler
Wot?
Caller
I said, is that the FOI helpdesk? I
want to get some information.
Call handler
Yes it is. But your not gonner get
much help here. We give out advice, not imformasion.
Caller
But I know my rights. And I know
you’re got to help me.
Call handler
Cummon. Don’t waste my time. Wot is it
you want?
Caller
I said, I know my rights. I work for
the ICO, you know. And I’m a member of the union.
Call handler
Well, if you work for the ICO you know
pretty well what we dish out. So, what’s yer problem?
Caller
Well, you know that we’ve all been
denied a decent pay rise?
Call handler
Yeah. Me too. (sniffs loudly)
Caller
Well, did you know that three senior
ICO execs have been awarded an average 11% pay rise?
Call handler
****! Have they? The *******!
Caller
Well, I want to make an FOI request. I
want details about the process for those executive pay awards.
Call handler
**** off! There ain’t no records. Tell
that to the union.
Caller
What do you mean there aren’t any
records? There must be!
Call handler
I said **** off! There ain’t no
records. You’re gonna get nuffink out of the ICO on this one. Put your bloody
phone down and get on with some proper ICO work.
Caller
I’m not happy with that response. I
wish to make a complaint. Who do I complain to?
Call handler
If yer that pissed off then yer gonna
have to write to the ICO. Tell em you’re making a complaint.
Caller
But I deal with complaints! You mean,
I’ve got to write to myself to get my own complaint looked into?
Call handler
Yep. Bung it in yer in tray and in a
couple of months you can have a quick squint at it.
Caller
But I can’t deal with my own
complaint! And my colleagues in the complaints department are just as unhappy
about these pay rises as I am.
Call handler
Don’t care nuffink abaat that one. Maybe one
of the execs will deal with it.
Caller
But they can’t deal with a complaint
about other ICO executives! That would be really inappropriate.
Call handler
Don’t care nuffink abaat that either. Can't ya get the Commissioner to tell some tribunal to deal with it?
Caller
But its only a simple request for
information. It surely isn't that hard to deal with.
Call handler
Why should I care? I’m off soon.
There’s a new pizza joint opening in Manchester next month, and they need decent waiting
staff.
Caller
Oh is there? Can I have the details of the pizza joint instead, then, please - 'cos right now I wouldn’t mind a new job, either.
[Lights fade to applause]
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